Pep Talk Tuesday {Changing Your Name}

Confession. I never changed my name when Andrew and I got married. It's not that I forgot to or just didn't have the time to make it down to the whatever office it is you go to to do it, but I consciously made the decision not to change my name for a bunch of various reasons. And while my decision has been frowned upon by some and misunderstood by others, I am glad I have finally found the courage to talk about my thoughts and feelings on the ever so controversial tradition. Because all my life - even when I was a little girl and I used to add celebrities last names to my own first name only to frown in disapproval because it didn't feel right - I've known that changing my last name hasn't been the right decision for me. And here I am almost six months after I've declared my love and made a commitment to a man I love more than words, and to be perfectly honest, I am content with the choice I made; not to be confused with how I feel about how the choice I made affects Andrew; because that's a whole other story.

While a younger version of myself would have thought that taking a man's last name is a romantic and selfless gesture (alright I'll be honest, I still kind of feel this way), I've come to realize that either you change your last name or you don't and depending on your decision, society has a pretty stereotyped picture painted of the kind of woman you are. That alone, has made me so seething with anger I've wanted to pull a Madonna and legally go by Rhi. No Rhi Middle Last. No Rhi Middle Maiden Hislast. Just Rhi. This way I won't be a feminist loving too proud for her own good wife who refused to change her name but I will also avoid being the woman I fear the most, the one who feels like she has no choice in a matter regarding her own name and essentially her identity.

{My Story} Let's me tell you, my situation is a bit of a toughie. I was born Rhiannon Nicole Banda and that is my legal name. My parents were married when I was four years old and socially, slapped on my Dad's last name to the Banda thus making me Rhiannon Nicole Banda Hyphen Dadslast. To try to get people to spell, pronounce and understand the first name Rhiannon when you're shy and 5 five years old is one thing. But trying to get people to understand you 'really do have two last names, and one is kind of weird and although it says I'm registered as Rhiannon Banda there really is another last name on there!' well it gets sort of old and for a few years I actually took it upon myself to do a little name swap of my own. I became Rhiannon Scott for a short period of time. I'd come home with artwork proudly displaying Rhiannon Scott. And my Mom would politely remind me that that wasn't my name. 

During high school and college, the whole name thing proved to be a problem when it came to gymnastics meets, getting a license, registering for anything and everything, creating passwords and accounts, travelling and so many other things we do in life that require an established title and identity. I was starting to realize my parents made one big faux paus; they never legalized the Banda-Scott combination. For my entire life I'd gone with the Banda-Scott. But in reality I was really only a Banda. Credit card companies wouldn't let me get a card with both names. But specific stores, the registrars office at school and so forth wouldn't let me use my card if the name on the card didn't match the name on file. My passport often didn't match the name my flights would be registered under. Sometimes people would assume my first name was Banda and last name was Scott. It was tiresome and humiliating. I used to think getting married would solve all of my problems. I'd become Rhiannon Nicole Finally-an-end-to-the-name-game. And life would be smooth sailing from there forward.

Yet the wedding came and went. and I am now sitting here unable to even change my name on facebook to my husbands last name. I could easily add his last name to my legal Banda which would make for a sort of fun to say Banda-Bosse (Apb's last name reads as "Bossy"). I could move my social name, the Banda-Scott, to my middle name (drop the Nicole) and take his last name. But I just don't want to and the connotations that come with my wants makes me upset. Why do I have to give up who I have been and who I believe to be as a reflection of my name because I have promised to love someone for the rest of my life? Could Andrew take my name or could we combine the two and both have the exact same last name? Why is it so frowned upon when woman like me just decide to keep things as is? I love my name and am proud of it and want to keep it as it's been my entire life.

Sometimes we get cards and they say to the Mr and Mrs Andrew Bosse. The romantic proud to be married to an awesome man side of me sort of lights up inside and remembers how good it feels to be a dotting, cutey patootie wifey poo. But the other side of me, the freelance journalist and author who has things published under her Rhiannon Banda-Scott,  the RBSBosse makes me feel like I am not in fact Andrew's wife but instead his property and some sort of counterpart to his identity. As in he is Andrew Bosse and I am the Andrew Bosse with boobs. And while I am aware that's so far from the truth, I can't help but feel like I'm giving up something I love and feel a sense of pride about, when he gets to still keep what he has used to represent himself and his accomplishments with for the last 28 years.

I love my husband more than I can write in any blog post. Should we ever have kids, I will gladly have them take their fathers name. And I have absolutely nothing against woman who choose to take their husbands name; I actually feel a twinge of guilt when I see all my friends new last names because it makes me feel sneaky and selfish and snooty for not changing mine too. I applaud women who change their name without hesitation it's just that the decision for me to do so, wasn't the right one. And I say wasn't rather than isn't because perhaps in a few months, or a few years I will feel differently and decide to make the change after all. But for now, here's a few things to consider if you too, want to burst into the tears at the thought of changing your name. 

{Talk It Out} And if talking means crying, and getting nervous and maybe raising your voice a little bit, then that's OK too. But really try to get to the root of your feelings if changing your name isn't sounding so peachy. There's a reason you feel the way you do and if you cannot articulate this to your partner (I am going to assume this from a females perspective) there's no way he's going to be able to understand your feelings of confusion/sadness/frustration/ and so forth. Perhaps there's some sort of solution the both of you can agree on if only you just discuss your feelings.

{Take Your Time} Just because you're going to be a wife in a few months, doesn't mean you have to change your name anytime before then. Actually, the last thing you should be stressed out about in the time leading up to your big day is the whole name dilemma. Weddings and everything that surrounds them are stressful and full of all sorts of emotion. Wait until a few weeks after the celebration to figure out what you want to do, once your emotions have had a chance to settle down.

{Be a Big Girl} When it comes to your name and deciding on what it should be for the rest of your life, do what you want. Not what your husband (or wife) wants, not want your parents want, not what the latest wedding magazine is telling you to do and definitely not what your mother-in-law wants. Do what feels right and best to you because it's you that has to live with your name, new or not, for the rest of your life. And if you make the wrong decision somewhere along the line that's cool too. Although complicated procedures, name changes are always possible. And just remember no matter what your stance is on the issue, you have a choice to decide what you want, where as some women before has had no options. Thank heavens for that.

What are your thoughts on a woman taking her husbands name?

Please, if you are going to leave a comment make sure it's nice. While I love hearing your thoughts and encourage healthy and helpful discussion, negative feedback and personal attacks on either myself or other bloggers isn't welcome here and I reserve the right to remove content I feel is negative or mean. Amen to that!

Update: I contemplated taking this post down simply because of my own personally driven feelings of inadequacy, but it's important to know my husband supports my decision to keep my own name and this has not been a topic of sore discussion between the two of us. We are very much in love as the next couple who has the same last name and do not see my decision as a way to hinder the process of him and I 'becming a family.' After a tearful phone conversation this morning while he was at work he immediately send me a text telling me not to remove my post and thoughts as it shows personality and character. He ended with a "Don't feel bad for your choices, let them empower you." His message is proof that no one else's opinions, thoughts, feelings or whatever should pressure you or make you feel a specific way because ultimately you and your spouses/partners happiness is the first priority. And we are just that.