Last night was a rough one. No, nothing happened to me, everything is OK, I am healthy, safe and happy. It's just that I came across this specific wedding. This really gorgeous Californian wedding where I swear on my life the floral bill probably cost the same as our entire venue. Judging from the photos the bride and groom had a pretty high end swanky wedding and well, I felt sad and slightly jealous. Actually, I felt defeated. Because our wedding didn't quite measure up. Here I am trying to break into the world as a wedding planner and it's as if my own wedding day was sort of a let down in the aesthetics departments.
As a bride-to-be, some of us spends years, months, and weeks trying to imagine and pin-point how we are going to feel when we slip on our wedding gown and go from bride-to-be to bride. We imagine feeling pretty, we imagine feeling the same emotions that we get when we look at lovely photos. We imagine feeling lots of different things depending on the type of woman we are; sexy, cute, happy, sophisticated, gorgeous, complete, dreamy, your best. We imagine our backyards, our ballrooms, our art galleries, our mansions being turned into these romantic paradises nothing short of looking like the photos we've been staring at since we started our inspiration folders upon our engagement. We picture custom candy bars, live bands, paper poms, phootbooths with little heart shaped chalkboards; we imagine all of these things and manage to scheme up all of these perfect and completely personalized expectations. Then in such a short amount of time we cross our fingers and hope we can fulfill them within a few short hours. We go through the emotional experience of becoming married hoping to feel something physical that we've schemed up through mental expectations. That was such a deep sentence, wasn't it?
I'm a Mrs now. No longer a bride-to-be or bride. No need to tell people "I'm getting married in 2 months!" And to be completely honest with everyone, I feel a little down I'm no longer a yet-to-be. Because this means I have to move on and accept my wedding day as is. Some days are really easy to do so. Some days, like last night, are extremely hard for someone such as myself (perfectionist, lover-of-all-gorgeous-things, aspiring wedding stylist) to do so. I think to myself that I could have been a better bride, I could have picked prettier florals, I should have picked this, that and all of those. I should have worked harder while I was in school to save up more money for that vendor, or that pair of shoes. I should have thought things over more, hired a planner, asked for help. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It's the same little phrase my sweet and supportive husband keeps reciting to me over the phone every time I bring up the I'm-feeling-bummed-about-our-wedding-conversation. Bless his heart, I love him.
Yet at the time of planning our wedding, everything felt so right. We did what we could afford. We paid every single bill upfront without using credit. We had a fabulous day. We were surrounded by love and happiness and support. We got married! The funny thing that gets me about wedding blogs, features and all the pretty pink fluff in the blogosphere is no one ever really considers the money that goes into planning and creating the majority of these gorgeous affairs. Time and time again this is one of the main reasons I end up appreciating our own special day, because we did what we could financially to have our day be not only beautiful but special to us as a couple coming together as one. When you add in videographers for $5,000, florists for $3,000, a band for another $2,000 and custom linens, draping, lighting and styling for x, y and z amounts, well thank you to the couples who fit this bill; your weddings are gorgeous and such a treat to look at. For the rest of us married folk, you know, the ones who ran around like a nutcase decorating their venue the day of because paying someone to do it wasn't feasible, the ones who did their own makeup and hair to save a bit of money, the ones who used carnations in the centerpieces because peonies weren't in the budget, your weddings are gorgeous too. Because they are yours and that's what makes them so darn special.
Andrew always asks me at the end of our discussions if I truly want to be a wedding planner and stylist. It seems to him, to be a bit torturous for me to be swarmed with gorgeous images of weddings day in and out, when I feel so 'deprived' of such beauty of our big day (sounds way more dramatic than it really is, I promise). Sometimes it is hard. It's the whole I want what she's got thing. And for split second I feel a bit of dread like what have I gotten myself into? But then I think of how special I can make a bride's day be for her, I imagine the things I could create for her so that when she does walk into her reception she feels blown away by the decor, I visualize a bride's face lighting up when I tell her this flower is just as pretty as that. And I feel happy because I have a marriage and the rest of my life to have days with my husband that are far greater than the day we became husband and wife.
Love you Apb. Thanks for marrying me :)