FAQ Friday; MOH Duties and Bridal Showers

The problem, sent via one of my dear readers: "What do you do when you're the maid of honor (for your little sister's wedding, nonetheless) and find out that the shower you are throwing is the only shower the bride and groom get and your little old budget can't support her huge guest list? I am having that issue right now. I wanted to throw my sister and her fiance a co-ed shower in a backyard with games, beer, grilling, etc for our friends. But come to find out no one else is throwing her one, so now it's every immediate family member and friend within driving distance. I can't afford it. Eeek!" Photo via here.

This is tricky now that I think about it. Because anything involving family, money (and not having enough of it) is sort of a touchy subject. Then throw in anything relating to your little sister's wedding and you have a situation you'll most likely want to tread lightly on. That stated, there are surely ways to throw a memorable shower in your sister's honour without breaking the bank and most importantly, while still staying classy and keeping guests happy. Read more below for my take on the situation!

{Suggest a Potluck} A potluck? For a bridal shower? I know what you're thinking, really Rhi how tacky are you. But hold up people! Some of the best parties I've ever been to have been potlucks. Because first and foremost, there is always an abundance of food in endless variations; it's like the best buffet you could ever eat at. And secondly when people are invited to a potluck they always whip up their favourite and most delicious dishes. Which means guaranteed - and free! - yumminess. Plus, if you're shooting for a coed backyard barbecue I really couldn't imagine anything better than a potluck; men could bring the meat, chips, condiments and beer and the girls could bring the salads, desserts, fruit platter and drinks. Send me an invite too please.

{Talk to Your Sister} Communication, as I've reiterated over here many times, is the key to having anything run smoothly. So talk to your sis. I'm not saying to sit her down and tell her there's no way you can afford the bridal shower of her dreams because sometimes the brutal truth really isn't needed. But instead let her know that with a little clever planning you're hoping to make her day really special. Ask her what elements of a bridal shower are most important to her and her fiance so you can make sure your efforts and the little money you do have to contribute is spent on things that she will most appreciate and love. Great games? Killer snacks? A signature drink? Festive decorations? Instead of spreading yourself thin in every single area focus in your efforts on a few different elements to make both guests feel comfortable and your sister and her fiance, happy.

{Ask For Help} Just because you're the Maid of Honour doesn't mean everyone else is exempt from lending a hand. Check in with family members, parents of the bride and groom, the other bridesmaids, kind and generous friends; everyone and anyone who may be able to contribute to making the day a success. When it comes to weddings most people are more than often willing to help out where needed even if means donating a chunk of change or a few hours of their time to organize, cook, grill, set up, entertain or tear down. And remember, regardless of if the shower ends up being a backyard potluck sans flower arrangements, a rocking DJ and a bartender, your sis and soon to be brother in law will appreciate your support and love.

Thoughts, friends?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {Merging Your Finances}

I have a slight disclaimer before I dive into this post. I'm not really the most frugal person and I have rather expensive taste (or as I like to say, I enjoy things that happen to ironically be expensive). I'm not the greatest with saving money and thankfully have a husband who can often talk me out of buying things or making unnecessary purchases should I be about to make an irrational choice. However, regardless of the dollas in my bank account I do have some strong feelings on whether or not married couples should share their finances. Like we've made pretty obvious on this blog, money sucks and it's awkward and sticky and uncomfortable so here we go.

My somewhat traditional husband always told me before we were married that we would be joining forces (aka joining funds) once we were married. Which to him meant me dumping my money and he dumping his into the same lone piggy bank and should either one of us need something, we would both understand that the money would come straight out of said piggy bank. The independent-stubborn (what a combo huh? Apb you are a brave man) woman in me thought husband to be was crazy. There was no way in h e double hockey sticks that this girl would be sharing her money, of all things! with someone who surely had enough of his own. Especially when there always seems to be a shortage of it in my own life. But that sounds mean when I word it that way. So lemme break it down.

{Listen To Your Mom} My mom, and my sweet late Nan, used to always tell me the same thing when it came to cash. "You save this little bit o' money so when you need it it's there. And no one has to know about it so shush!" I used to feel sneaky when they'd slip a twenty into my palm or leave me a bit of cash under the lamp base in my childhood bedroom. Except now I feel so grateful for this itty bitty piece of advice or rather this lesson in money because heaven forbid husband suddenly didn't exist where would I be and who would I then need to depend on for financial support? This is all sort of a metaphor for a point I am trying to make which is having your own money, whether it be a couple hundred or thousands, is beneficial for you and you only. And is crucial to helping you maintain a sense of independence, importance, self worth and happiness. Nan, Mom you ladies were both right. So very very right.

{This is 2011} And this is totally my crazy thinking but I like to think these days that men and women share responsibilities in a household and a relationship so why should finances (when applicable and where possible, not always do both parties work or rather, make equal salaries/money) be any different? Meaning if chores in your home are divided up why not divvy up bill payments? Or grocery bills? Or those nights out for dinner and a movie? Or even better, one person can handle the finances and another can make sure the house is clean, the meals are ready, the laundry done, etc. Sometimes we look at things in our home like husband buys the next home item purchase like the new dining room table and I'll buy the next dinner out. The dining room table surely cost more than the dinner night out, but it's not about keeping track dollar for dollar. It's about contributing as best you can and realizing that one day the tables may be turned and you may be the one making the bigger purchase. That right there friends is called a thriving relationship.

{Sharing is Caring} Or in most cases necessary to a strong relationship. Which is why I highly suggest that every relationship have at least three account: his, hers and a joint. Without telling you what should be done because I'm not saying my way is the only way to do things, here's what should go in each: in his, his money obviously, in hers, her money of course and in the joint, a sum that is TBD by the couple. Perhaps x amount of each paycheck go into the account. Perhaps the account stays stagnant except for once a month both parties deposit a determined amount into the account. Joint account can be used for things like vacations together, home repairs, groceries, gifts for family holidays, gas and so forth. The reason for the separation? I know that if I were to swipe a new shoe purchase using a card from the joint account, I'd feel sleazy and like I was being unfair to husband. Likewise if he were to use money from the joint account for a day out of beers and golfing with the guys, I'd be a little disappointed. Which is why personal accounts are a benefit. 

Thoughts? Are you for splitting up accounts or do you only use one shared account between you and your significant other?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {When Money Falls Through}

Happy Tuesday blogettes! I have a little treat for you today. Last week when I made my call for help, a reader of mine (an incredibly sweet reader of mine), sent me this little dilemma and it was too good not to share with you guys. Here's the little rut she's in:

"The backstory: we got engaged, a few weeks later my mom tells me she has saved x amount of dollars aside for my wedding. I've been on my own since 18. Paid for anything and everything for myself since then. We were definitely not expecting this gesture and were so thrilled! So I began planning with my x amount budget. Now, 2 months before the wedding, my mom lost her job. And as it turns out, the dollar amount that I was told was mine is not actually tangibly there. It was just what my mom thought she could give over the next 6 months. I am so torn. The money is not there and I am not prepared to front it all myself. I want to be a little angry, but then I feel like a spoiled brat. I'm sure other brides have had this problem. Money is always such a touchy subject, I mean I know what I would have done differently now. Asked more clarifying questions, ask for money upfront perhaps. I don't know, thoughts?"

You know what the crappiest part of wedding planning is? It's money. And I've said it before and I'll say it again but unless you have a money tree growing in your backyard, it's easy to let your budget, and the amount of money you can actually afford to spend, dictate what you can and can't have for your wedding. Wrap that up with the things you want (but may not necessarily be important) and throw in the saturated market of blogs, shows and magazines telling you what's pretty and trendy, and wedding planning can absolutely make you want to feel like a spoiled little brat, who is a little angry. And that's OK. Let it all out, be a little angry. But then you hafta move on.

Financially, if there are things you have paid hefty deposits on like a DJ, caterer or photographer, that you really can't or would regret backing out on, then those vendors should take precedence over other vendors like say a videographer, a baker, a florist or some other area that you could skimp on or make do without. Square away those payments, if possible, and if not talk with your vendors to see what can be done. Perhaps your contract can be revised, if the vendor is a friend maybe they'll be willing to offer their service as a gift or create a payment plan that you can manage post-wedding. Avoid using credit, do a lot of soul-searching and make what needs to happen, work. It might get messy and uncomfortable and require some clever maneuvering on your part but if having the wedding go on is important to you then the show must go on (regardless of your decision here, the good news is your marriage will still go on).

Emotionally, I would (and did admittedly) feel like a huge brat when I couldn't front half the junk I wanted to for our big day (I am still whining and struggling over our videographer fiasco, but more on that later). We seem to think we are entitled to our specific wants and desires so when we're not given them, we feel like we've been given the short end of the stick. It's like a "How dare you! This is my wedding day we're talking about," kind of feeling. We feel hurt and blindsided. Like the carpet's been pulled from underneath us. Wedding pros and mags throw out industry standard numbers on what's appropriate for a wedding and everything that makes em happen and we feel panicked when our own numbers don't measure up. And blogs! Wedding blogs. My own blog. Imagine walking into Coach trying to buy a bag with 20 bucks? That's how wedding planning felt to me. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails.

Two months before the wedding, for your Mom to lose her job when she told you she would be contributing x amount of money; that sucks. But, and here's the big but, you and your fiance will make it work. You and your family will come together and persevere through these final eight weeks to make your wedding day happen. It might not be exactly what you had envisioned in your mind but it's still going to be magical, meaningful and essentially everything a wedding day is really supposed to be. Spend money on things that you care about, don't be afraid to say "no" and be OK with the decision to not have _____ {insert wedding item of choice here} at your wedding. I promise guests will be OK with an iPod belting out music during the reception. And even more comforting should be the fact that, guests won't mind if you're not the DIY goddess every bride and groom seem to be these days. But probably the best advice I can give you is to remember how priceless this experience will be for you and your fiance as you start the rest of your lives together.

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Now one important thing that I wanted to add to avoid getting in the above predicament is to be more prepared on the whole money subject from the get-go (and this is one thing the bride-to-be above and I discussed initially after I wrote this post). Sitting down with your parents, your fiances parents or whoever else may be contributing financially to the big day is something that should be done during the beginning stages of your planning process so boundaries and expectations can be set and let downs and surprises can be avoided. If x amount of money is to be given or offered for you to use, hashing out how and when that money will be provided gives you a foundation to make better calculated choices (cash, cheque, money order, direct deposit, paid directly to vendors, all up front, in chunks as needed, the month of the wedding, etc). Keeping the lines of communication open with whoever may be assisting or contributing towards the bill part of the wedding will keep your expectations and happiness in check leading up to and on the big day. 

Alright chicks, let's hear it. Help a girl out!

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Pep Talk Tuesday {The Average Wedding Budget}

I'm sure someone out there is going to tsk tsk or frown upon what I'm about to share, but our wedding, the one you all saw here, cost us $27,000 give or take a few thousand. Twenty-seven thousand big ones, my friends, $10,000 of which was generously given to us by my parents and $5,000 which was given to us by Andrews. The rest was funded by us. While we never really had a budget set from the get go we simply decided along the way if select items were necessary, important or doable for us. If we couldn't make something work within reason then we moved on and learned to live without that specific something, done and done, end of story. And in the end we made $27,000 work for us. How do ya like them apples, blogettes? It's not a number I am ashamed of and it's not a number I am proud of but instead is merely a number that represents what we spent on everything that made our wedding what it was. For those inquisitive readers out there who are a little nosy (I'm nosy too, it's cool) fifteen thousand went towards our venue, ceremony, food, alcohol, cocktail hour, and linens costs. The rest, including our honeymoon fell within the $12,000 remaining. If anyone is interested in any specific breakdowns of how much I spent on decor, DIY projects, photography, my dress or whatever, then send me an e-mail. I have no problem disclosing the totals on everything else. 

The point of my post today, is I wanted to generate a discussion on what the average wedding budget really is and what it truly means (not that I believe one specific average wedding budget exists because it doesn't). There are so many magic numbers that float around out there as being industry standards for quality product and services and while it's my job as a wedding stylist and coordinator to be aware of these prices so I can educate my clients I can't help be feel like there's a huge gray area when it comes to the cost of throwing a wedding. Some penny-pinching couples (I adore you guys, you amaze me with your frugalness and attention to detail) think $5,000 is an appropriate average wedding budget. Some couples think $100,000 is a fair amount to fork over for their big day. Maybe that's just a number they've picked off the top of their head, maybe it's what they can afford or what they've been given by their parents or maybe it's the 'average cost' among their social circle and community. And some couples, perhaps in smaller cities may think $15,000 or $40,000 or whatever the number is is more along the lines of an average cost. And much like how unique each and every wedding is, the budget for each and every wedding is completely rare in it's own form.

I saw this once on A Practical Wedding and thought it was a fitting idea for today's Pep Talk so I am encouraging everyone, married or not, to leave an anonymous comment below with the cold hard facts of how much you spent or plan to spend on your wedding day. You can leave one total or a combination of totals that culminated to your grand total but please be respectful of others and refrain from bragging about how you saved money/had money to work with/spent almost less than half of the commentor above you. I for one, always had a greenish-hued cloud of dolla bills hanging over my head during my 2.5 years of engaged bliss and know that hearing from others would have made me feel a bit better about my choice to spend or not spend x amount of money in one direction or another. Money is a touchy subject and people are often quick to judge others based on their spending and saving decisions so I can only hope the post will allow you and I to have a new outlook an what that pain in the ass of an average wedding budget really is and what it really means, big budget or not. The whole wedding cost discussion is a little taboo and I want to change that because wedding costs are as real as the pretty pink roses in your bouquet. Ready, set, go! Above photo by Amanda Wilcher Photography.

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