Pep-Talk Tuesday {Balancing Work and Play with Your Significant Other}

Someone sent me this little tidbit of a dilemma a few weeks ago and I've been patiently waiting (or rather, she's been patiently waiting) for me to address it. Said reader was hoping I could share my advice on merging my life and my husbands together since she correctly assumed that he works a 9 - 5 and I work a primarily demanding nights and weekends kind of gig. She's interested in hearing how I, and of course how all of you out there, handle the demands of irregular job schedules in a relationship. And I am so glad she asked :) Below are a few of the things I try to do to find balance between work and love.

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{Set Aside Date Nights} One thing Apb and I have tried to do (and I say tried because lately this has been a toughie to uphold) is set aside one day or night a week that is specifically devoted to date night or alone time for the both of us. We then both understand that come every Thursday evening, we've previously arranged to free our schedules of appointments or priorities because this is one night we have specifically set aside for the two of us. And date night doesn't have to mean getting dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant but it might mean turning off our laptops and cell phones and sitting on the couch together to watch our favorite show or a DVR-ed movie with a glass of wine. It's incredible how much this one night a week just being together without external distractions, can make a difference in allowing you to feel connected to your significant other. 

{Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder} Andrew and I spent two years of our engagement and the first four months of our marriage apart. And I don't mean apart like "Yo babe I'll see you this weekend" I mean like "Hey babe I'm over here in a different country, I'll see you in a few months when flights get cheaper" kind of thing. It was a brutal, lonely, frustrating and at times downright crappy time but it most of all made me realize how sure I was that at the end of the tunnel was our metaphorical light for happily ever after. I'm not saying to suck it up if you and your significant other do have irregular work schedules but rather than feel defeated, instead embrace your own individual lives so that when you do find time to do things together, it'll be that much sweeter. I know when I spend a few days away from Apb handling my responsibilities and him managing his, I get really giddy just thinking of how excited I am to spend time with him again; whenever that may be.

{Be The Partner You Want to Be With} Wait a sec Rhi, wha? I know that sounds way too confusing. But let me explain because this little piece of advice is for anyone in a relationship regardless of when and if you or your spouse work at all. Too often people get into a long term relationship or marriage to find that things get a little too comfortable and you no longer find it necessary to do things you may have done in the beginning stages of the relationship. It could be caring less about your physical appearance, forgetting to leave love notes on the counter, texting less "just because I love yous," but essentially sometimes we put in less effort in our relationships while still having the same expectations of our partner. Irregular work schedules are common and at times inevitable, so rather than feel upset over your given circumstances, embracing the love you have for your partner and being the best version of yourself for them is a sure fire way to get the most out of your relationship.

Let's hear it blogettes; your tricks and tips for merging work schedules with your significant other!

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Pep Talk Tuesday {When It's The Right Time to Get Married}

A reader a few weeks ago submitted a rather interesting question to me; "How do you know when it's the right time to get married?" and I was so stumped on an appropriate answer that I later asked Apb if he had an intelligent answer to offer up. I asked him while we were in the car and I remember him making a confused-type look as he stared out at the road in front of us. I believe that much like when you know your wedding dress is 'the one' or a new apartment is 'you' or something else is truly 'meant to be' (new pumps, anyone?) you know you're ready to get married. But then again, getting married is a little bit bigger of a decision than signing a lease. 

In the vows I read to Apb on our wedding day, I told him I knew as soon as we started dating that he'd be the man I'd marry. I can't pinpoint one exact thing that was said or done that made me feel this way but instead it was just a feeling I had that him and I would be good together for the long run (he'll argue he knew I'd be the girl he'd marry when I brought him toasted bagels and cream cheese for breakfast when he used to sleep in and I had early morning classes, ah college. I miss you like whoah). We were young when we got married, well we still are young and could we have waited? Absolutely. There's never a right time to get married in my opinion. But we didn't wait, we are very happy and here's my take on how I knew I was ready. And how you too might be able to determine if you are.

{Filling the Gap} Do you ever hear the saying "You don't need a guy to make you happier, to make you feel complete, to fill in the missing piece of the puzzle"? Because I hate to break it to you blogettes, but if marrying someone is an effort to feel more fulfilled, satisfied or happy with yourself or your life, then it's all for the wrong reasons. Because like we mentioned before, marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is tough work and how rude of an awakening it would be if you got married for the purpose of being happier only to find out this 'till death do us part stuff is tough. Look at your entire life before you, subtract your significant other out of the equation and determine if there are things that need adjusting with your own self and agenda; perhaps going after that new job? Building a new social circle? Finishing that degree? Making the move to a new state? Loosing 5 pounds? When getting married is merely a way to add happiness and love to your life rather than completing it or filling in a gap, I think you're ready.

{Age Is Just a Number} The whole age thing when it comes to marriage sort of boggles my mind. I remember visiting Southern Utah on a recruiting trip the summer before my sophomore year of college. The majority of girls in their senior years were engaged; newly graduated chicks were married and pregnant. I remember feeling so out of my element, so shocked that 20 and 21 year olds were now soon to be wives and moms. Then again when I went home to Canada to study my graduate program in 2009, my fellow classmates were beyond shocked to know that at 24 I was about to get married. I was "so young!" to them and surely had other things I wanted to do before settling down. Similarly, some people always seem so taken aback when they see a bride in her late 30s early 40s. Society has such a cemented vision on the ideal age to get married at. And we all know how I feel about societal expectations; whether or not you want to get married at 18 or 56, the right time is whenever you determine it to be.

{Relationships Aren't All Butterflies} I love my husband, and fall more in love with him everyday. With that being said, I knew going into our marriage that there would be things we would still argue about/not see eye to eye on/have to battle with and the list goes on. Marriage doesn't mean an end to the things that may not be the most pleasurable during a courtship. Meaning you take the good with the bad and if you can get along with your inlaws (a biggie I'm telling ya, because these people will be your new family forever), successfully go on vacations with your significant other, see eye to eye on things like kids, household duties, relationship expectations, finances, name changes, living arrangements and so forth, then marriage may be the next best step for you and your partner should you both want it. And if you don't, and you mutually decide to pull a Brangelina because you don't need a party/ring/piece of paper declaring your love for one another, then that's cool too. Marriage (or throwing a wedding) isn't for everyone.

And because I love photos, here we are. On our 8th vacay together. Also know as our honeymoon.

How did you chicks know you were ready to get married? Or how do you predict you'll know when the time comes?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {Merging Your Finances}

I have a slight disclaimer before I dive into this post. I'm not really the most frugal person and I have rather expensive taste (or as I like to say, I enjoy things that happen to ironically be expensive). I'm not the greatest with saving money and thankfully have a husband who can often talk me out of buying things or making unnecessary purchases should I be about to make an irrational choice. However, regardless of the dollas in my bank account I do have some strong feelings on whether or not married couples should share their finances. Like we've made pretty obvious on this blog, money sucks and it's awkward and sticky and uncomfortable so here we go.

My somewhat traditional husband always told me before we were married that we would be joining forces (aka joining funds) once we were married. Which to him meant me dumping my money and he dumping his into the same lone piggy bank and should either one of us need something, we would both understand that the money would come straight out of said piggy bank. The independent-stubborn (what a combo huh? Apb you are a brave man) woman in me thought husband to be was crazy. There was no way in h e double hockey sticks that this girl would be sharing her money, of all things! with someone who surely had enough of his own. Especially when there always seems to be a shortage of it in my own life. But that sounds mean when I word it that way. So lemme break it down.

{Listen To Your Mom} My mom, and my sweet late Nan, used to always tell me the same thing when it came to cash. "You save this little bit o' money so when you need it it's there. And no one has to know about it so shush!" I used to feel sneaky when they'd slip a twenty into my palm or leave me a bit of cash under the lamp base in my childhood bedroom. Except now I feel so grateful for this itty bitty piece of advice or rather this lesson in money because heaven forbid husband suddenly didn't exist where would I be and who would I then need to depend on for financial support? This is all sort of a metaphor for a point I am trying to make which is having your own money, whether it be a couple hundred or thousands, is beneficial for you and you only. And is crucial to helping you maintain a sense of independence, importance, self worth and happiness. Nan, Mom you ladies were both right. So very very right.

{This is 2011} And this is totally my crazy thinking but I like to think these days that men and women share responsibilities in a household and a relationship so why should finances (when applicable and where possible, not always do both parties work or rather, make equal salaries/money) be any different? Meaning if chores in your home are divided up why not divvy up bill payments? Or grocery bills? Or those nights out for dinner and a movie? Or even better, one person can handle the finances and another can make sure the house is clean, the meals are ready, the laundry done, etc. Sometimes we look at things in our home like husband buys the next home item purchase like the new dining room table and I'll buy the next dinner out. The dining room table surely cost more than the dinner night out, but it's not about keeping track dollar for dollar. It's about contributing as best you can and realizing that one day the tables may be turned and you may be the one making the bigger purchase. That right there friends is called a thriving relationship.

{Sharing is Caring} Or in most cases necessary to a strong relationship. Which is why I highly suggest that every relationship have at least three account: his, hers and a joint. Without telling you what should be done because I'm not saying my way is the only way to do things, here's what should go in each: in his, his money obviously, in hers, her money of course and in the joint, a sum that is TBD by the couple. Perhaps x amount of each paycheck go into the account. Perhaps the account stays stagnant except for once a month both parties deposit a determined amount into the account. Joint account can be used for things like vacations together, home repairs, groceries, gifts for family holidays, gas and so forth. The reason for the separation? I know that if I were to swipe a new shoe purchase using a card from the joint account, I'd feel sleazy and like I was being unfair to husband. Likewise if he were to use money from the joint account for a day out of beers and golfing with the guys, I'd be a little disappointed. Which is why personal accounts are a benefit. 

Thoughts? Are you for splitting up accounts or do you only use one shared account between you and your significant other?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {When Money Falls Through}

Happy Tuesday blogettes! I have a little treat for you today. Last week when I made my call for help, a reader of mine (an incredibly sweet reader of mine), sent me this little dilemma and it was too good not to share with you guys. Here's the little rut she's in:

"The backstory: we got engaged, a few weeks later my mom tells me she has saved x amount of dollars aside for my wedding. I've been on my own since 18. Paid for anything and everything for myself since then. We were definitely not expecting this gesture and were so thrilled! So I began planning with my x amount budget. Now, 2 months before the wedding, my mom lost her job. And as it turns out, the dollar amount that I was told was mine is not actually tangibly there. It was just what my mom thought she could give over the next 6 months. I am so torn. The money is not there and I am not prepared to front it all myself. I want to be a little angry, but then I feel like a spoiled brat. I'm sure other brides have had this problem. Money is always such a touchy subject, I mean I know what I would have done differently now. Asked more clarifying questions, ask for money upfront perhaps. I don't know, thoughts?"

You know what the crappiest part of wedding planning is? It's money. And I've said it before and I'll say it again but unless you have a money tree growing in your backyard, it's easy to let your budget, and the amount of money you can actually afford to spend, dictate what you can and can't have for your wedding. Wrap that up with the things you want (but may not necessarily be important) and throw in the saturated market of blogs, shows and magazines telling you what's pretty and trendy, and wedding planning can absolutely make you want to feel like a spoiled little brat, who is a little angry. And that's OK. Let it all out, be a little angry. But then you hafta move on.

Financially, if there are things you have paid hefty deposits on like a DJ, caterer or photographer, that you really can't or would regret backing out on, then those vendors should take precedence over other vendors like say a videographer, a baker, a florist or some other area that you could skimp on or make do without. Square away those payments, if possible, and if not talk with your vendors to see what can be done. Perhaps your contract can be revised, if the vendor is a friend maybe they'll be willing to offer their service as a gift or create a payment plan that you can manage post-wedding. Avoid using credit, do a lot of soul-searching and make what needs to happen, work. It might get messy and uncomfortable and require some clever maneuvering on your part but if having the wedding go on is important to you then the show must go on (regardless of your decision here, the good news is your marriage will still go on).

Emotionally, I would (and did admittedly) feel like a huge brat when I couldn't front half the junk I wanted to for our big day (I am still whining and struggling over our videographer fiasco, but more on that later). We seem to think we are entitled to our specific wants and desires so when we're not given them, we feel like we've been given the short end of the stick. It's like a "How dare you! This is my wedding day we're talking about," kind of feeling. We feel hurt and blindsided. Like the carpet's been pulled from underneath us. Wedding pros and mags throw out industry standard numbers on what's appropriate for a wedding and everything that makes em happen and we feel panicked when our own numbers don't measure up. And blogs! Wedding blogs. My own blog. Imagine walking into Coach trying to buy a bag with 20 bucks? That's how wedding planning felt to me. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails.

Two months before the wedding, for your Mom to lose her job when she told you she would be contributing x amount of money; that sucks. But, and here's the big but, you and your fiance will make it work. You and your family will come together and persevere through these final eight weeks to make your wedding day happen. It might not be exactly what you had envisioned in your mind but it's still going to be magical, meaningful and essentially everything a wedding day is really supposed to be. Spend money on things that you care about, don't be afraid to say "no" and be OK with the decision to not have _____ {insert wedding item of choice here} at your wedding. I promise guests will be OK with an iPod belting out music during the reception. And even more comforting should be the fact that, guests won't mind if you're not the DIY goddess every bride and groom seem to be these days. But probably the best advice I can give you is to remember how priceless this experience will be for you and your fiance as you start the rest of your lives together.

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Now one important thing that I wanted to add to avoid getting in the above predicament is to be more prepared on the whole money subject from the get-go (and this is one thing the bride-to-be above and I discussed initially after I wrote this post). Sitting down with your parents, your fiances parents or whoever else may be contributing financially to the big day is something that should be done during the beginning stages of your planning process so boundaries and expectations can be set and let downs and surprises can be avoided. If x amount of money is to be given or offered for you to use, hashing out how and when that money will be provided gives you a foundation to make better calculated choices (cash, cheque, money order, direct deposit, paid directly to vendors, all up front, in chunks as needed, the month of the wedding, etc). Keeping the lines of communication open with whoever may be assisting or contributing towards the bill part of the wedding will keep your expectations and happiness in check leading up to and on the big day. 

Alright chicks, let's hear it. Help a girl out!

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Pep Talk Tuesday {The Role of a Wife}

"Being married is hard work isn't it?" I get asked this a lot and it never ceases to amaze me how taken aback I am by such a statement. A lovely twitter user today sent me a tweet about what the hardest part about being a wife is and for her it's the expectation of women trying to fit into some traditional role of wife. She told me she wasn't aware that some people think it's a role to be played and for me she hit the nail on the head. Societal expectations of what it means for us chicks to become a 'wife' has me feeling a little fired up.

In the months leading up to our wedding I was really looking forward to graciously accepting this new wife role. I was eager to throw on a pretty apron and get into the kitchen using only the finest of Bed, Bath and Beyond products, stopping at nothing to please my hard working husband like we're we something straight from the set of a 1980's sitcom. It was the ring on my finger, the commitment my husband would be making to me, the perks of being married; these things which all signified that I was worthy enough to be given such a role and so as not to take advantage of such a privilege I wold need to do my very best to oblige by these set standards.

I was raised by parents who placed a lot of emphasis on love, respect, individuality, hard work, sacrifice, success and happiness. Never was I sat down either at home or in a place of worship to be told that being a wife meant you had duties and responsibilities you were expected to adhere to. Any connotation of the wife role that I have, were personally shaped and created strictly out of the things I have witnessed, read, seen or heard rather than what I have been taught. And for me being a wife, means being an important half to the team that Andrew and I have become. We are first and foremost a team, meaning we work together to bring out the best in one another and we work together to create a happy, fulfilling and prosperous life for ourselves as professional individuals and ourselves together as friends, lovers and partners. We love one another equally, so we do what we can to live and support one another the exact same way.

Husband comes home from work many times, and I look up from my computer only to find myself saying sorry a bazillion times because, I haven't fixed dinner, I forgot to make the bed and me? Well I myself look like a hot mess because I've been staring at my inbox since 9:00 am. On nights when I'm frivolously typing away trying to play catch up at my desk and my husband is pushing the vacuum around my work station, I cringe a little bit because I think I've failed at my role. And he's working overtime to fill in the holes.

But you know what, being married really is hard work. I'm only seven months deep into this new relationship status and I know things can be hard or messy or tough or confrontational. We're trying to figure out where we're going to live next, if we can afford a new couch and if we'll ever decide we want to have kids. At worst, we fight, we cry, we disagree. But last time I checked, I remember those five years I spent as my husbands friend, girlfriend, and fiance before becoming his wife were also really hard. And the same things that are hard now during my journey as a wife, were just as tough when I was a girlfriend or a fiance or even, gasp, when I was single (i.e. my studies, my health, my finances, my relationships, my image of myself, and so forth. Remember high school? Just finding an acceptable outfit everyday was hard work). Being a wife doesn't define my existence or my purpose in life so naturally there are other things I encounter in my life that are "hard work". Deciding whose role it is to cook dinner and kill the spiders shouldn't be a toughie.

What's your definition of the whole wife role issue?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {The Guest List}

Gah! The guest list. I just gagged a little thinking of the guest list. Because making a guest list for a wedding is like the equivalent of throwing a party in high school when your parents go out of town; you know you won't have enough beer for everyone but if you invite Suzy and Sarah, then Tom, Dick and Harry have to come too. And if your uber sensitive bff isn't allowed to bring her on again off again boyfriend then you know the you-know-what is gunna hit the fan. So what's a girl to do when all she wants to do is throw a really rad party with all the right people and no hurt feelings? I say it's your day, do it your way. Isn't that a fast food chain slogan? Whatever I'm going with it. Oy! I present to you my personal thoughts on how to tackle the tedious task of building your guest list. (And remember you can always opt to completely skip the guest list a la this couple who were married in front of only an officiant and their photog, the fabulous Kate Webber. Seriously clever and incredibly romantic; I'm a fan). Happy Tuesday blogettes!

{Create a Preliminary Draft} Do this first. For example, once that sparkly is put on your finger, pool together the people you want at the wedding along with the people your fiance wants at the wedding. Remember to include family, from both sides, coworkers, neighbors, friends from extra curricular activities and anyone that if you were talking to them about your wedding before or afterwards you would feel shamed that you had not extended an invite to them. Allot each guest a plus one regardless of if they are single or in a serious relationship and even if you or your fiance don't personally know who the plus one will be. And then add up your numbers. Subtract guests you absolutely know will not come (like Great Aunt Hilda who lives over Ireland) and use your remaining total number for things like guiding your selection process for a venue. An increasing amount of venues require you to meet a minimum or stay under a maximum in order to have your wedding at their facility. A 300 person guest list would have never worked at our venue which had a cap at 90 guests. But we knew we wouldn't run into this problem ahead of time because we created a preliminary draft of our list. 

{Build Your Team} Yeah yeah, I just referred to your wedding guests as your teammates. But they do sort of serve as your team for the day. So get on your team captain face and make cuts as needed. This alone sounds pretty harsh but unless you have an orchard of plentiful cash tress in your backyard, more guests mean more cash and if those said guests are people you can do without then don't think twice about not inviting them. One of my brides was torn on the whole guest list thing because her Mom wanted to invite a bunch of her own friends to the wedding which as a result would bring the guest list up; so instead Mom is throwing an engagement party in her daughter's honour so she can celebrate the milestone with her own friends on a day separate from the wedding. This could very well just be my crazy thinking too, but it seems as if weddings these days are becoming increasingly smaller and more personal; people are cutting out guests who don't matter and as a result are saving money and stress. Even better, your preliminary guest list draft, which is a rough estimate of guests, will help you create your budget (or your budget will help you create your guest list). Cool.

{When to Make a Cut} Again these thoughts are completely my own and not the professional or only way to do things but here's what we did when we ran into road blocks; if we were stumped on whether or not to invite someone merely because we were invited to their wedding, then we went ahead and did so. In 99% of these situations their RSVPs were a no but at least we were being courteous by extending the invite to them. If we weren't sure if someone should be invited because we a) didn't really ever see them or b) had in recent months/years drifted apart we used the rationale I address above. If we were to run into said person months after the wedding and the topic came up, would we feel remorseful about not inviting them or would we be able to freely reminiscence with them about our day without feeling like total jerks. In most cases we were able to live with and happily move on from our choice to not invite specific guests and as a result cut out a huge chunk out of our guest list.

{The Whole Plus One Issue} Hands down the plus one issue was one of the toughest issues we faced during our wedding planning process. All those plus ones can really throw off your almost finalized guest list and leave you scrambling to find extra room both in your venue's spatial capacity and your dwindling budget. For example if you have a guest list of 100 people with equal parts parties of two (like married couples) and single guests with a plus one, how can you possibly predict who will actually end up bringing someone and when your venue has a strict maximum capacity how do you make it all work together? In our situation here's one thing we did with plus ones: I have a very tight knit group of girlfriends who are for the most part all single. I checked with them ahead of time to see if they were all content with the idea of attending our wedding solo with the expectation that they would all be seated together thus creating a fun, enjoyable and comfortable environment (much like how it is when we get together for our annual reunions and dinner dates). I couldn't have imagined them all sitting at different tables around the room with dates who were unfamiliar with one another and I dreaded running into an issue where some friends brought dates and others didn't (the whole third and fifth wheel thing is never any fun). I remember how much fun they all had too, goofing off with one another and completely being themselves all evening and for that, I am happy with my decision. While this isn't the choice everyone would have made, that choice alone took a potential guest chunk down from 25+ to 12 people, a major win for us. A general rule however is that if the guest in question is in a serious relationship, is engaged, married, living with or in a common law relationship, the invitation gets extended to their partner. The partner may decline but it's considered good etiquette to invite them too

What problems did you or are you running into with creating your guest list?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {Removing Someone from your Wedding Party}

I think I may be speaking from experience, but planning a wedding can certainly bring out the best and worst in people. Get ready for this rather shattering revelation too people; planning your big day can make you wanna kick someones butt all the way out of your bridal party brigade. For the sake of making this post too complicated to follow, below I've referenced bridesmaids as opposed to groomsmen, however I want to make it clear that I think making adjustments to your wedding day team is often a necessary and totally acceptable thing to do when you're it comes to the utmost happiness on your wedding day (without going all bridezilla on everyone, of course). Here are a few of my painless tips for carefully asking someone to step down from their bridal duties and obligations. P.S. I am seriously loving these oversized bouquets and this photo snapped by Dave Getzschman of Ben Chrisman Photography.

{Soul Search} Try to pin point the reason you're removing the person (or wanting to remove them) in the first place. If it's your childhood best friend who couldn't make it to your sixth dress fitting because she was studying for her bar exam and you swear you wont ever.forgive.her.no.matter.what. then perhaps you need to reassess your feelings and take a step back to see how sensitive - and ridiculous - you're being. Sure, it's your wedding day and your feelings matter, but everyone else has a life of their own too. On the other hand, if the person in question is someone you've included in your party simply because you felt pressured or obligated to do so and now that the wedding is close you're realizing your mistake, then it's probably a safe choice to proceed with getting her the heck out. Make sure your reasoning behind your actions is somewhat justified so that come six months after the wedding you don't feel foolish or regretful but instead confident and satisfied with your well-thought out decision. A classy bride to be in always in style.

{Compromise} Sometimes completely revoking someone of their bridal duties, may be a recipe for disaster and thus you're forced to really get creative and make the best of the situation. Be willing to make a compromise with whoever it is that is not accepting of your decision to remove said person, whether it be said person herself, said person's brother, said person's mother (who could very well be your own Mom too), or the other members of your bridal party. There are numerous clever ways to include people in your wedding celebration without officially calling them a bridesmaid or having them walk down the aisle before you too, from ceremony readings, usher duties, a toast or speech and the list goes on. You may even get lucky and lift a huge weight off said person's shoulders by suggesting an alternative role. The good news? All this compromising is stellar practice for your approaching marriage. Score.

{Trust Your Gut} I cannot stress this little three word statement enough. It something does not feel right at any point throughout your engagement, chances are, it's not. The same holds true for your wedding party. If deep down inside your soon-to-be-married heart you feel as if your high school bestie really isn't meant to be your maid of honour but instead your new work supervisor who you haven't even know for a year better fits the job, then act on instinct. Just because your third cousin asked you to be a part of her big day doesn't mean in any way that your suppose to return the favour. If you'd rather have your best guy friend stand up beside you or instead you'd like to forgo the entire bridal party all together and fly solo with your groom, well these are all completely reasonable possibilities. No one except you, knows what you want and understands what will make you feel only positive and fulfilled feelings on your day as a bride. Close your eyes and picture yourself on your wedding day surrounded by only those who support you, love you and respect you as a person and a friend. And the people that come to mind are the ones that'll make the cut.

How about you? Did anyone have the tough task of removing a specific someone from your wedding party?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {The Average Wedding Budget}

I'm sure someone out there is going to tsk tsk or frown upon what I'm about to share, but our wedding, the one you all saw here, cost us $27,000 give or take a few thousand. Twenty-seven thousand big ones, my friends, $10,000 of which was generously given to us by my parents and $5,000 which was given to us by Andrews. The rest was funded by us. While we never really had a budget set from the get go we simply decided along the way if select items were necessary, important or doable for us. If we couldn't make something work within reason then we moved on and learned to live without that specific something, done and done, end of story. And in the end we made $27,000 work for us. How do ya like them apples, blogettes? It's not a number I am ashamed of and it's not a number I am proud of but instead is merely a number that represents what we spent on everything that made our wedding what it was. For those inquisitive readers out there who are a little nosy (I'm nosy too, it's cool) fifteen thousand went towards our venue, ceremony, food, alcohol, cocktail hour, and linens costs. The rest, including our honeymoon fell within the $12,000 remaining. If anyone is interested in any specific breakdowns of how much I spent on decor, DIY projects, photography, my dress or whatever, then send me an e-mail. I have no problem disclosing the totals on everything else. 

The point of my post today, is I wanted to generate a discussion on what the average wedding budget really is and what it truly means (not that I believe one specific average wedding budget exists because it doesn't). There are so many magic numbers that float around out there as being industry standards for quality product and services and while it's my job as a wedding stylist and coordinator to be aware of these prices so I can educate my clients I can't help be feel like there's a huge gray area when it comes to the cost of throwing a wedding. Some penny-pinching couples (I adore you guys, you amaze me with your frugalness and attention to detail) think $5,000 is an appropriate average wedding budget. Some couples think $100,000 is a fair amount to fork over for their big day. Maybe that's just a number they've picked off the top of their head, maybe it's what they can afford or what they've been given by their parents or maybe it's the 'average cost' among their social circle and community. And some couples, perhaps in smaller cities may think $15,000 or $40,000 or whatever the number is is more along the lines of an average cost. And much like how unique each and every wedding is, the budget for each and every wedding is completely rare in it's own form.

I saw this once on A Practical Wedding and thought it was a fitting idea for today's Pep Talk so I am encouraging everyone, married or not, to leave an anonymous comment below with the cold hard facts of how much you spent or plan to spend on your wedding day. You can leave one total or a combination of totals that culminated to your grand total but please be respectful of others and refrain from bragging about how you saved money/had money to work with/spent almost less than half of the commentor above you. I for one, always had a greenish-hued cloud of dolla bills hanging over my head during my 2.5 years of engaged bliss and know that hearing from others would have made me feel a bit better about my choice to spend or not spend x amount of money in one direction or another. Money is a touchy subject and people are often quick to judge others based on their spending and saving decisions so I can only hope the post will allow you and I to have a new outlook an what that pain in the ass of an average wedding budget really is and what it really means, big budget or not. The whole wedding cost discussion is a little taboo and I want to change that because wedding costs are as real as the pretty pink roses in your bouquet. Ready, set, go! Above photo by Amanda Wilcher Photography.

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Pep Talk Tuesday {What It Means To Be Married}

I'm a self-admitted worrier. I get caught up in the little things far too often, much too quickly and on multiple occasions every day, find myself submerged in my thoughts, feelings and emotions. So it's a little beyond me that in the two and a half years Andrew and I were engaged I never consciously took a break from my pink-clouded daydreams to really think about what it meant to be a wife. Sure, it was exciting to think of this new title, this evolution of girlfriend to fiance to wife, like a shiny new name plate placed on the desk of your first new job. But I never really considered what that meant for me and what that would feel like for me prior to it happening. I remembered to think of all the little details before the wedding but I really forget to do the most important thing which was taking a moment for self-reflection and the chance to ponder what this whole walking-down-the-aisle-to-be-a-wifey-poo meant. I catch myself sometimes when I write a facebook status update or a tweet that involves my expression of doing something 'wifely.' And I try to define what this means to me, not to anyone else but to me, the girl who regardless of her last name loves her husband unconditionally and is committed to him as much as she swore she would be on her wedding day. And I realize that being his wife is exactly what I thought it would be like. Future brides-to-be, between all the planning, and the confusion over the name change and the tough decisions between blush or champagne pink and the slightest sliver of fear at becoming a wife because it's kind of new, and weird and different, give your non-wife self a minute or two to reflect on what it means for you to be married. That's what this whole wedding thing is about anyways and when given context and meaning it's ten times more special and meaningful.

And here I am. Andrew's best friend in her new wifey poo glory. Rock on, Rhi. Rock on.

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Pep Talk Tuesday {Personal Coordinators versus Venue Coordinators}

I never ever claim to know everything about the industry. I am constantly learning and figuring out ways to be a better business woman and planner so Hey Gorgeous can flourish while my clients get the best possible service. However, one thing I have learned pretty quickly is that there is a difference between what a personal wedding coordinator provides and what a venue coordinator does. I am not insinuating that one role is better than the other but simply stating that brides and grooms deserve to know the difference between the two so they can make an educated decision on whether a venue provided coordinator will suffice or if the personalized service of a coordinator hired elsewhere is better suited. Read on for my takes on the differences.

{Obligations} First and foremost, venue coordinators work for the venue. The often have a boss to report to and have a specific way of running their weddings/events. Their venue is their full time employer and in most circumstances will do everything to make you happy while remaining loyal to their employer. Venue coordinators have the experience under their belt, and have overseen the operation of a weddings, sometimes every weekend of the year. Often, venues have a high turnover rate of coordinators meaning the coordinator you may have dealt with at the start of your planning is now working elsewhere or has since moved to a new department.

As your personal wedding coordinator I work for you, the client. And your interests, likes and wants are my first priority no matter how unique, obscure or extravagant they are. I have no alternative motives to the things I tell you other than to make you happy, guide you into making the right decisions and if possible help you save money when and where applicable. I have no one but you and your significant other to report to and will do what it takes to make sure your standards are met. I will be by your side from the minute I am hired until the last guest goes home the day of.

{Services} A venue coordinator is responsible for and not limited to the following items: helping you select your menu, overseeing your food tastings, receiving your guest count, ensuring you pay your deposit and locking in your desired date. If applicable they refer you to other vendors that may work in connection with the venue (i.e. entertainment companies, linens and lighting vendors, bakeries, etc). On the day of the wedding they make sure their staff have set up the ceremony and reception areas as discussed, that the waitstaff and bartenders are handling food and beverages as noted and they help things run according to schedule. Some venue coordinators also ensure select personal and decor items are in place (like menu cards, centerpieces, favours, etc).

A personal wedding coordinator oversees every detail of your wedding day not just the details that pertain to the wedding venue. In my Pretty Little Package, which is for month of services, I provide a wealth of services like working with the venue coordinator to make sure the ceremony and reception set up is to the couples liking, ensuring your final payments have been made, and making sure any problems are taken care of promptly and professionally. I greet my brides the morning of their wedding day to make sure they are feeling happy and excited and I make sure their bouquet looks how they want. I make sure your dress is bustled properly and that your mascara isn't smudged under your eyes. I make sure that before you walk down the aisle you take a deep breath as you embark on one of the most important walks of your life.

{Details} If you inquire, a venue coordinator will refer vendors that trust and have worked with before. They will suggest various options for set up, decor and presentation. They will share photos with you of past weddings to show what options are available. They will ensure that any detail relating to the venue, catering and banquet staff is under control and running as discussed and outlined in your contract.

A personal wedding coordinator has been hired to guarantee your wedding day unfolds in the most perfect way imaginable from start to finish. They will work closely with you, and your vendors to create a finely tuned timeline of the wedding day including when hair and make up should happen, where the first look should happen and what number your cousin from out of town should call should she run into an issue the day of (hint; not the bride! call the DOC first). A personal wedding coordinator is hired essentially for the purpose of making sure not one detail is overlooked. Think of your coordinator as your personal assistant the day of your wedding; and someone who will patiently read and respond to your e-mails about whether or not green hued-wedding shoes will look alright if you have a black satin ribbon wrapped around your bouquet :)

As a venue coordinator told me recently, when everyone works together, meaning both the venue coordinator and personal coordinator, everyone gets what they want; which is a happy bride and groom. I'd love to know did any of you hire a personal wedding planner? Why or why not? Do you wish you would have if you did not?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {Changing Your Name}

Confession. I never changed my name when Andrew and I got married. It's not that I forgot to or just didn't have the time to make it down to the whatever office it is you go to to do it, but I consciously made the decision not to change my name for a bunch of various reasons. And while my decision has been frowned upon by some and misunderstood by others, I am glad I have finally found the courage to talk about my thoughts and feelings on the ever so controversial tradition. Because all my life - even when I was a little girl and I used to add celebrities last names to my own first name only to frown in disapproval because it didn't feel right - I've known that changing my last name hasn't been the right decision for me. And here I am almost six months after I've declared my love and made a commitment to a man I love more than words, and to be perfectly honest, I am content with the choice I made; not to be confused with how I feel about how the choice I made affects Andrew; because that's a whole other story.

While a younger version of myself would have thought that taking a man's last name is a romantic and selfless gesture (alright I'll be honest, I still kind of feel this way), I've come to realize that either you change your last name or you don't and depending on your decision, society has a pretty stereotyped picture painted of the kind of woman you are. That alone, has made me so seething with anger I've wanted to pull a Madonna and legally go by Rhi. No Rhi Middle Last. No Rhi Middle Maiden Hislast. Just Rhi. This way I won't be a feminist loving too proud for her own good wife who refused to change her name but I will also avoid being the woman I fear the most, the one who feels like she has no choice in a matter regarding her own name and essentially her identity.

{My Story} Let's me tell you, my situation is a bit of a toughie. I was born Rhiannon Nicole Banda and that is my legal name. My parents were married when I was four years old and socially, slapped on my Dad's last name to the Banda thus making me Rhiannon Nicole Banda Hyphen Dadslast. To try to get people to spell, pronounce and understand the first name Rhiannon when you're shy and 5 five years old is one thing. But trying to get people to understand you 'really do have two last names, and one is kind of weird and although it says I'm registered as Rhiannon Banda there really is another last name on there!' well it gets sort of old and for a few years I actually took it upon myself to do a little name swap of my own. I became Rhiannon Scott for a short period of time. I'd come home with artwork proudly displaying Rhiannon Scott. And my Mom would politely remind me that that wasn't my name. 

During high school and college, the whole name thing proved to be a problem when it came to gymnastics meets, getting a license, registering for anything and everything, creating passwords and accounts, travelling and so many other things we do in life that require an established title and identity. I was starting to realize my parents made one big faux paus; they never legalized the Banda-Scott combination. For my entire life I'd gone with the Banda-Scott. But in reality I was really only a Banda. Credit card companies wouldn't let me get a card with both names. But specific stores, the registrars office at school and so forth wouldn't let me use my card if the name on the card didn't match the name on file. My passport often didn't match the name my flights would be registered under. Sometimes people would assume my first name was Banda and last name was Scott. It was tiresome and humiliating. I used to think getting married would solve all of my problems. I'd become Rhiannon Nicole Finally-an-end-to-the-name-game. And life would be smooth sailing from there forward.

Yet the wedding came and went. and I am now sitting here unable to even change my name on facebook to my husbands last name. I could easily add his last name to my legal Banda which would make for a sort of fun to say Banda-Bosse (Apb's last name reads as "Bossy"). I could move my social name, the Banda-Scott, to my middle name (drop the Nicole) and take his last name. But I just don't want to and the connotations that come with my wants makes me upset. Why do I have to give up who I have been and who I believe to be as a reflection of my name because I have promised to love someone for the rest of my life? Could Andrew take my name or could we combine the two and both have the exact same last name? Why is it so frowned upon when woman like me just decide to keep things as is? I love my name and am proud of it and want to keep it as it's been my entire life.

Sometimes we get cards and they say to the Mr and Mrs Andrew Bosse. The romantic proud to be married to an awesome man side of me sort of lights up inside and remembers how good it feels to be a dotting, cutey patootie wifey poo. But the other side of me, the freelance journalist and author who has things published under her Rhiannon Banda-Scott,  the RBSBosse makes me feel like I am not in fact Andrew's wife but instead his property and some sort of counterpart to his identity. As in he is Andrew Bosse and I am the Andrew Bosse with boobs. And while I am aware that's so far from the truth, I can't help but feel like I'm giving up something I love and feel a sense of pride about, when he gets to still keep what he has used to represent himself and his accomplishments with for the last 28 years.

I love my husband more than I can write in any blog post. Should we ever have kids, I will gladly have them take their fathers name. And I have absolutely nothing against woman who choose to take their husbands name; I actually feel a twinge of guilt when I see all my friends new last names because it makes me feel sneaky and selfish and snooty for not changing mine too. I applaud women who change their name without hesitation it's just that the decision for me to do so, wasn't the right one. And I say wasn't rather than isn't because perhaps in a few months, or a few years I will feel differently and decide to make the change after all. But for now, here's a few things to consider if you too, want to burst into the tears at the thought of changing your name. 

{Talk It Out} And if talking means crying, and getting nervous and maybe raising your voice a little bit, then that's OK too. But really try to get to the root of your feelings if changing your name isn't sounding so peachy. There's a reason you feel the way you do and if you cannot articulate this to your partner (I am going to assume this from a females perspective) there's no way he's going to be able to understand your feelings of confusion/sadness/frustration/ and so forth. Perhaps there's some sort of solution the both of you can agree on if only you just discuss your feelings.

{Take Your Time} Just because you're going to be a wife in a few months, doesn't mean you have to change your name anytime before then. Actually, the last thing you should be stressed out about in the time leading up to your big day is the whole name dilemma. Weddings and everything that surrounds them are stressful and full of all sorts of emotion. Wait until a few weeks after the celebration to figure out what you want to do, once your emotions have had a chance to settle down.

{Be a Big Girl} When it comes to your name and deciding on what it should be for the rest of your life, do what you want. Not what your husband (or wife) wants, not want your parents want, not what the latest wedding magazine is telling you to do and definitely not what your mother-in-law wants. Do what feels right and best to you because it's you that has to live with your name, new or not, for the rest of your life. And if you make the wrong decision somewhere along the line that's cool too. Although complicated procedures, name changes are always possible. And just remember no matter what your stance is on the issue, you have a choice to decide what you want, where as some women before has had no options. Thank heavens for that.

What are your thoughts on a woman taking her husbands name?

Please, if you are going to leave a comment make sure it's nice. While I love hearing your thoughts and encourage healthy and helpful discussion, negative feedback and personal attacks on either myself or other bloggers isn't welcome here and I reserve the right to remove content I feel is negative or mean. Amen to that!

Update: I contemplated taking this post down simply because of my own personally driven feelings of inadequacy, but it's important to know my husband supports my decision to keep my own name and this has not been a topic of sore discussion between the two of us. We are very much in love as the next couple who has the same last name and do not see my decision as a way to hinder the process of him and I 'becming a family.' After a tearful phone conversation this morning while he was at work he immediately send me a text telling me not to remove my post and thoughts as it shows personality and character. He ended with a "Don't feel bad for your choices, let them empower you." His message is proof that no one else's opinions, thoughts, feelings or whatever should pressure you or make you feel a specific way because ultimately you and your spouses/partners happiness is the first priority. And we are just that.

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Pep Talk Tuesday {Blogging Edition}

Click here. And if you haven't already done so, you'll find the first post I ever wrote as a blogger nearly two years ago. It's humbling and refreshing to often check back to where I came from, to see how I've evolved into the woman I am, to see how my writing, passions, blogging style and personality has changed in more ways than one, for the better. I've experienced a handful of the typical bouts that bloggers go through. I've wanted to click on the 'delete' button and pretend I was better off without the whole blogging thing to begin with. A been there, done that sort of approach. I've felt intense disappointment, deep confusion and a slight sense of sadness, when I've lost a follower, failed to reach a specific set number of comments or posted content that seemed less than exciting or worthy of your time. I've sat for hours and hours typing until my fingers have literally spasmed up, trying to make it around to every single commentors blog to return the favour. I've breezed through more designs and headers than I can even count on one hand and even switched the title, domain and content of this blog just last Christmas. I've struggled with my online identity, my place in the online social circle and the purpose, my personal purpose, behind putting so much time, effort, and heart into this little dot com I call home.

I know I'm not every bloggers cup of tea. I rarely talk about fashion or post Polaroid photos of weekend adventures with my girlfriends. I blog a lot of text-heavy posts and am not afraid to share my feelings, some feelings that some people tend to shy away from because they're not always easy to respond or relate to. I can't say I don't love comments and new followers because the sense that any blogger gets from knowing that someone out there is reading what they have to say, is one of the many sparks that lights the fire under the behinds of us busy little bloggers. We blog because we want to be heard, we blog because we have something to share, say or sing about. I blog for these reasons. And so many others that I couldn't possibly fit into this one post.

I have to say I owe a lot to Blair, one of my closest online friends for her insightful wisdom, loyal friendship and ability to bring my mind and efforts back to a place where they belong. Last week, prompted by my feelings of inadequacy as a blogger, I went to her for support. As usual she went above and beyond to put a smile back on my face which also prompted a new About Me section that better represents who I am. I don't wake up at 7:00 am to head to my office and day job only to return home at the end of the work day to my laptop to check in with my blog. This blog is not only an extension to my business, my brand and my personality but it's essentially a huge part of my life, my work and my purpose. Without it I probably wouldn't have ever even discovered my passion and who knows what newsroom I'd be stuck in, pursuing some sort of path that's way off track from the dream I know I'm now following.

Today, whatever you're feeling, whatever you're blogging about, whatever lights your fire, whatever your passion is, whatever makes your heart so sing so loud you feel like dancing around in circles, make sure it's good and it's right and it's pure and that it makes you happy. Because without happiness, life couldn't possibly be as rewarding, fulfilling and fun as the version I'm living right now. Be passionate, be real, and be nothing except you. Everyone else is taken.

To another fabulous friend and inspiration, Beth Kaye who has instilled in me, an endless amount of courage and motivation to not only go after my dreams and goals but to let me feel beautiful when I most needed it, thank you. This girl is doing big things, people. I am so honoured to have her as a friend, business partner and peer to share some of my exciting news with next week xo

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