FAQ Friday; When You Don't Feel "Married"

Last month I posted a little cry for help in the FAQ department and I was overly thrilled with the response I got back from you guys. It's official that one of the things I love most about my little blog here is how many of you feel the same as I do about the endless situations I write about. It's nice not to feel so alone sometimes. But anyway here is a little dilemma I received from a reader that I think I totally love. She got married in February and says she doesn't feel "married." She doesn't feel like she's a part of her husband's family and she doesn't feel like a wife. She gets that these types of things are going to feel different to different people but perhaps myself and all of you guys can help her with her newly-wedded woe, no? I think so. Let's do this!

This little problemo first of all, reminds me of the post I did here on what it really means to be a wife. You guys seriously loved that post and I myself, still scroll through and read all of your thoughtful comments (like I said, the more people rowing along in this little boat of mine, the better). In that post I explain how to me, becoming Apb's wife didn't mean my feelings, my role or my expectations changed; but instead the difference (and really the only different in my opinion) was that now, legally we were husband and wife. Should I feel different as we became husband and wife? Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that at first it felt totally weird to become a wife but still have the same feelings and ultimately the same relationship with Andrew.

There are so many days I wake up now, nearly ten months after our wedding and I too, don't feel married. I think to myself "Whoa whoa whoa, you are married, girlfriend" and I know I am married, I love who I am married to, and I love that we share this union, journey and relationship together it's just that I don't feel it; or is that or this rather, what's it's suppose to feel like? I feel young, and hip and think it's so cool I get to have permasleepovers with this guy I love. I feel happy and I know I am happy. But then the title 'married' and 'husband' and 'wife' sort of slap me wide awake and I think to myself, "Well that's weird Rhi, that you don't feel married cause you are. And if you don't feel like marriage is different then girl, you are cah-razy!" 

You know how when you're young, you'd turn another year older and it never failed that one of your relatives would ask "How does it feel to be another year older?" I remember one year after my birthday party I laid in bed that night, totally bummed my birthday was over and I had to wait a.whole.other.year.till.the.next.partay, but thinking super hard about that question and how it really did feel, like physically, emotionally and mentally, to be nine years old versus only eight. And I got really frustrated super fast because I felt nothing, except too much birthday cake in my stomach. Ask me the same question now at age 25 and maybe I could tell you what it felt like to be eight then but you catch my drift. Hind sight is 20/20 isn't it?

So my thoughts are this; when you don't feel married is that normal? Do some of you out there feel married and if so can you explain what that means? Does feeling married become something you feel with time or is it something that select people feel and others don't? Do you brides to be out there have expectations that after your wedding you will feel something uniquely different? I (and one of my readers here!) would love to hear your thoughts. Photo by Amanda Wilcher.

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Couples Counselling 101 {Married Life}

Happy Memorial Day my sweet blogettes! Hopefully everyone had a lovely long weekend of rest and relaxation and are feeling rested for a new week ahead. Andrew and I started a new little team building exercise with one another last night and I wanted to share it with you all today. Lately I'm finding that running the blog, catering to my clients (which is my first priority) and taking some time alone for just myself is leaving little room for husband or for 'us' time. And I told myself prior to getting married that I would never ever let anything get in the way of maintaining a solid and meaningful marriage. So yesterday I suggested to Apb, that we hold our own sort of couples counselling every Sunday night in an effort to strengthen our relationship. Below is what we're doing and I have to admit, I am so totally in love with this new little routine in our lives.

On Sunday night Andrew and I both sit down and have to offer up a personal resolution or goal to reach or maintain for the upcoming week. It can be as lofty or as small as possible, but the point is to strive for something that is important on a personal level as opposed to something that may benefit our relationship together. For example, I could say "This week my resolution is to skip any pasta dinners," (a toughie for me) or "This week I want to have my laptop shut down by 5:00 pm everyday unless an emergency should arise" (yet again another toughie for me). Andrew may set a professional goal relating to work or a goal to keep his closest more organized but the point is to keep things tailored to yourself and relevant to life as your own person.

Then we both come up with a goal that caters to both of us as a couple. This could be "This week we will eat breakfast together every morning." Or "For the next seven days I will take out all of the trash without you asking," but the goal is meant to benefit us as husband and wife. Once we both share our suggested goal we mutually decide which one we like better and figure out if our goals can somehow be combined (i.e. my goal of Andrew watching less TV at night and his goal of me on my computer less could mean a couple's goal of less technology after 8:00 pm). We date and write our goals down in a little notebook so that next week when we regroup we can discuss how we think we did. Below I've listed our goals for this week (we started small)

Rhi - To drink a minimum of 2 to 3 full bottles of water per day (to reduce my daily terrible headaches)

Andy - To work out a minimum of three times this week (since we have snazzy new gym memberships)

Couple's Goal - To go out for sushi and see the Hangover 2 on Tuesday with no excuses or reschedules!

What do you think guys? Is this something you think you chicks think you could do with your significant others? Do you think mini resolutions set on a weekly basis are easier to follow than something set long term? I'd love to hear what you think!

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Pep-Talk Tuesday {Balancing Work and Play with Your Significant Other}

Someone sent me this little tidbit of a dilemma a few weeks ago and I've been patiently waiting (or rather, she's been patiently waiting) for me to address it. Said reader was hoping I could share my advice on merging my life and my husbands together since she correctly assumed that he works a 9 - 5 and I work a primarily demanding nights and weekends kind of gig. She's interested in hearing how I, and of course how all of you out there, handle the demands of irregular job schedules in a relationship. And I am so glad she asked :) Below are a few of the things I try to do to find balance between work and love.

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{Set Aside Date Nights} One thing Apb and I have tried to do (and I say tried because lately this has been a toughie to uphold) is set aside one day or night a week that is specifically devoted to date night or alone time for the both of us. We then both understand that come every Thursday evening, we've previously arranged to free our schedules of appointments or priorities because this is one night we have specifically set aside for the two of us. And date night doesn't have to mean getting dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant but it might mean turning off our laptops and cell phones and sitting on the couch together to watch our favorite show or a DVR-ed movie with a glass of wine. It's incredible how much this one night a week just being together without external distractions, can make a difference in allowing you to feel connected to your significant other. 

{Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder} Andrew and I spent two years of our engagement and the first four months of our marriage apart. And I don't mean apart like "Yo babe I'll see you this weekend" I mean like "Hey babe I'm over here in a different country, I'll see you in a few months when flights get cheaper" kind of thing. It was a brutal, lonely, frustrating and at times downright crappy time but it most of all made me realize how sure I was that at the end of the tunnel was our metaphorical light for happily ever after. I'm not saying to suck it up if you and your significant other do have irregular work schedules but rather than feel defeated, instead embrace your own individual lives so that when you do find time to do things together, it'll be that much sweeter. I know when I spend a few days away from Apb handling my responsibilities and him managing his, I get really giddy just thinking of how excited I am to spend time with him again; whenever that may be.

{Be The Partner You Want to Be With} Wait a sec Rhi, wha? I know that sounds way too confusing. But let me explain because this little piece of advice is for anyone in a relationship regardless of when and if you or your spouse work at all. Too often people get into a long term relationship or marriage to find that things get a little too comfortable and you no longer find it necessary to do things you may have done in the beginning stages of the relationship. It could be caring less about your physical appearance, forgetting to leave love notes on the counter, texting less "just because I love yous," but essentially sometimes we put in less effort in our relationships while still having the same expectations of our partner. Irregular work schedules are common and at times inevitable, so rather than feel upset over your given circumstances, embracing the love you have for your partner and being the best version of yourself for them is a sure fire way to get the most out of your relationship.

Let's hear it blogettes; your tricks and tips for merging work schedules with your significant other!

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Pep Talk Tuesday {When It's The Right Time to Get Married}

A reader a few weeks ago submitted a rather interesting question to me; "How do you know when it's the right time to get married?" and I was so stumped on an appropriate answer that I later asked Apb if he had an intelligent answer to offer up. I asked him while we were in the car and I remember him making a confused-type look as he stared out at the road in front of us. I believe that much like when you know your wedding dress is 'the one' or a new apartment is 'you' or something else is truly 'meant to be' (new pumps, anyone?) you know you're ready to get married. But then again, getting married is a little bit bigger of a decision than signing a lease. 

In the vows I read to Apb on our wedding day, I told him I knew as soon as we started dating that he'd be the man I'd marry. I can't pinpoint one exact thing that was said or done that made me feel this way but instead it was just a feeling I had that him and I would be good together for the long run (he'll argue he knew I'd be the girl he'd marry when I brought him toasted bagels and cream cheese for breakfast when he used to sleep in and I had early morning classes, ah college. I miss you like whoah). We were young when we got married, well we still are young and could we have waited? Absolutely. There's never a right time to get married in my opinion. But we didn't wait, we are very happy and here's my take on how I knew I was ready. And how you too might be able to determine if you are.

{Filling the Gap} Do you ever hear the saying "You don't need a guy to make you happier, to make you feel complete, to fill in the missing piece of the puzzle"? Because I hate to break it to you blogettes, but if marrying someone is an effort to feel more fulfilled, satisfied or happy with yourself or your life, then it's all for the wrong reasons. Because like we mentioned before, marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is tough work and how rude of an awakening it would be if you got married for the purpose of being happier only to find out this 'till death do us part stuff is tough. Look at your entire life before you, subtract your significant other out of the equation and determine if there are things that need adjusting with your own self and agenda; perhaps going after that new job? Building a new social circle? Finishing that degree? Making the move to a new state? Loosing 5 pounds? When getting married is merely a way to add happiness and love to your life rather than completing it or filling in a gap, I think you're ready.

{Age Is Just a Number} The whole age thing when it comes to marriage sort of boggles my mind. I remember visiting Southern Utah on a recruiting trip the summer before my sophomore year of college. The majority of girls in their senior years were engaged; newly graduated chicks were married and pregnant. I remember feeling so out of my element, so shocked that 20 and 21 year olds were now soon to be wives and moms. Then again when I went home to Canada to study my graduate program in 2009, my fellow classmates were beyond shocked to know that at 24 I was about to get married. I was "so young!" to them and surely had other things I wanted to do before settling down. Similarly, some people always seem so taken aback when they see a bride in her late 30s early 40s. Society has such a cemented vision on the ideal age to get married at. And we all know how I feel about societal expectations; whether or not you want to get married at 18 or 56, the right time is whenever you determine it to be.

{Relationships Aren't All Butterflies} I love my husband, and fall more in love with him everyday. With that being said, I knew going into our marriage that there would be things we would still argue about/not see eye to eye on/have to battle with and the list goes on. Marriage doesn't mean an end to the things that may not be the most pleasurable during a courtship. Meaning you take the good with the bad and if you can get along with your inlaws (a biggie I'm telling ya, because these people will be your new family forever), successfully go on vacations with your significant other, see eye to eye on things like kids, household duties, relationship expectations, finances, name changes, living arrangements and so forth, then marriage may be the next best step for you and your partner should you both want it. And if you don't, and you mutually decide to pull a Brangelina because you don't need a party/ring/piece of paper declaring your love for one another, then that's cool too. Marriage (or throwing a wedding) isn't for everyone.

And because I love photos, here we are. On our 8th vacay together. Also know as our honeymoon.

How did you chicks know you were ready to get married? Or how do you predict you'll know when the time comes?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {The Role of a Wife}

"Being married is hard work isn't it?" I get asked this a lot and it never ceases to amaze me how taken aback I am by such a statement. A lovely twitter user today sent me a tweet about what the hardest part about being a wife is and for her it's the expectation of women trying to fit into some traditional role of wife. She told me she wasn't aware that some people think it's a role to be played and for me she hit the nail on the head. Societal expectations of what it means for us chicks to become a 'wife' has me feeling a little fired up.

In the months leading up to our wedding I was really looking forward to graciously accepting this new wife role. I was eager to throw on a pretty apron and get into the kitchen using only the finest of Bed, Bath and Beyond products, stopping at nothing to please my hard working husband like we're we something straight from the set of a 1980's sitcom. It was the ring on my finger, the commitment my husband would be making to me, the perks of being married; these things which all signified that I was worthy enough to be given such a role and so as not to take advantage of such a privilege I wold need to do my very best to oblige by these set standards.

I was raised by parents who placed a lot of emphasis on love, respect, individuality, hard work, sacrifice, success and happiness. Never was I sat down either at home or in a place of worship to be told that being a wife meant you had duties and responsibilities you were expected to adhere to. Any connotation of the wife role that I have, were personally shaped and created strictly out of the things I have witnessed, read, seen or heard rather than what I have been taught. And for me being a wife, means being an important half to the team that Andrew and I have become. We are first and foremost a team, meaning we work together to bring out the best in one another and we work together to create a happy, fulfilling and prosperous life for ourselves as professional individuals and ourselves together as friends, lovers and partners. We love one another equally, so we do what we can to live and support one another the exact same way.

Husband comes home from work many times, and I look up from my computer only to find myself saying sorry a bazillion times because, I haven't fixed dinner, I forgot to make the bed and me? Well I myself look like a hot mess because I've been staring at my inbox since 9:00 am. On nights when I'm frivolously typing away trying to play catch up at my desk and my husband is pushing the vacuum around my work station, I cringe a little bit because I think I've failed at my role. And he's working overtime to fill in the holes.

But you know what, being married really is hard work. I'm only seven months deep into this new relationship status and I know things can be hard or messy or tough or confrontational. We're trying to figure out where we're going to live next, if we can afford a new couch and if we'll ever decide we want to have kids. At worst, we fight, we cry, we disagree. But last time I checked, I remember those five years I spent as my husbands friend, girlfriend, and fiance before becoming his wife were also really hard. And the same things that are hard now during my journey as a wife, were just as tough when I was a girlfriend or a fiance or even, gasp, when I was single (i.e. my studies, my health, my finances, my relationships, my image of myself, and so forth. Remember high school? Just finding an acceptable outfit everyday was hard work). Being a wife doesn't define my existence or my purpose in life so naturally there are other things I encounter in my life that are "hard work". Deciding whose role it is to cook dinner and kill the spiders shouldn't be a toughie.

What's your definition of the whole wife role issue?

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Pep Talk Tuesday {What It Means To Be Married}

I'm a self-admitted worrier. I get caught up in the little things far too often, much too quickly and on multiple occasions every day, find myself submerged in my thoughts, feelings and emotions. So it's a little beyond me that in the two and a half years Andrew and I were engaged I never consciously took a break from my pink-clouded daydreams to really think about what it meant to be a wife. Sure, it was exciting to think of this new title, this evolution of girlfriend to fiance to wife, like a shiny new name plate placed on the desk of your first new job. But I never really considered what that meant for me and what that would feel like for me prior to it happening. I remembered to think of all the little details before the wedding but I really forget to do the most important thing which was taking a moment for self-reflection and the chance to ponder what this whole walking-down-the-aisle-to-be-a-wifey-poo meant. I catch myself sometimes when I write a facebook status update or a tweet that involves my expression of doing something 'wifely.' And I try to define what this means to me, not to anyone else but to me, the girl who regardless of her last name loves her husband unconditionally and is committed to him as much as she swore she would be on her wedding day. And I realize that being his wife is exactly what I thought it would be like. Future brides-to-be, between all the planning, and the confusion over the name change and the tough decisions between blush or champagne pink and the slightest sliver of fear at becoming a wife because it's kind of new, and weird and different, give your non-wife self a minute or two to reflect on what it means for you to be married. That's what this whole wedding thing is about anyways and when given context and meaning it's ten times more special and meaningful.

And here I am. Andrew's best friend in her new wifey poo glory. Rock on, Rhi. Rock on.

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